Things Eroica Characters Would Never Say
by Margaret Price
Summary: Just what it says on the label. Rating for language, because the Major has a speaking part.


**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **Something I started on the Eroicafans (dot) org messageboard. Thank you to all who contributed.

is in place of an asterisk because FF (dot) net removes them for some unknown reason.

**

* * *

**

Things Eroica Characters Would Never Say

**By Margaret Price  
& Others**

oOo

Dorian: Do you love me, Klaus?

Klaus: Yes.

Dorian: Really?

Klaus: No. I'm just saying that to get sex.

Dorian: Pervert!

oOo

Dorian: I'm bored.

Klaus+ groan +

Dorian: You're no fun any more.

Klaus: Oh, yeah+ pounces Dorian and rides him like a champion Thoroughbred +

Dorian: _Works every time._

oOo

**First Time In Bed**

Dorian: Oh. You're so...small.

oOo

Dorian: That was...disappointing.

oOo

Klaus: ZZzzzzz

oOo

Dorian: Forget it. I've changed my mind.

oOo

**SOME ONE LINERS**

Dorian: I'm thinking of having a sex change...

oOo

Klaus: I don't know what to do. Will someone help me with this, please?

oOo

Klaus: Which of these earrings goes with this outfit?

oOo

Klaus: This hair is driving me crazy. I'm getting a buzz cut ASAP.

oOo

Dorian: Women really aren't so bad.

oOo

Bonham: I love you, Uncle NATO.

oOo

James: Money is no object.

oOo

Agent A: Fuck off, Major.

oOo

Agent G: I'm sick of dresses and makeup. I'm going back to suits and ties.

oOo

Alphabets: We'd LOVE to go to Alaska.

oOo

Mischa: I'm defecting.

oOo

Klaus: I'm defecting.

oOo

Dorian: Wow, that woman is stacked!

oOo

Klaus: I'm retiring and moving to Alaska.

oOo

Mischa: Polar Bear and I are engaged.

oOo

A: No, Major, I'm going home early.

oOo

Chief: Major, I've recommended you for a promotion.

oOo

Z: NATO sucks. I'm taking up flower arranging.

oOo

Butler: Klaus, I'm your father.

oOo

**SISTER EROICA**

Dorian+ arrives dressed as a nun + I've learned your weakness, Major. I'm Sister Eroica.

Klaus: That's creepy.

Dorian: But I brought you fried potatoes.

Klaus: Why didn't you say so? I love fried potatoes. + consumes mass quantities +

Dorian: Now, let's have sex.

Klaus: Okay.

Dorian: ...!

Klaus: Don't take the habit off.

Dorian: That's creepy!

o

(From The Reverand)

Klaus: Er... do you think we could have sex _while_ eating the fried potatoes?

Sister Eroica: Well now you're just being silly.

o

(From Avendasora)

Dorian: Naughty boy! Fried potatoes don't go THERE!

Klaus: Real Germans put potatoes ANYWHERE.

o

(Back to Margaret Price)

Klaus: Now I have heartburn.

Dorian: Let me kiss it, make it better.

Klaus: Lower. And don't kiss. Suck.

Dorian: Oh, Major...

Klaus: Thank you, Sister.

oOo

**Klaus on the internet: ****  
**  
- Surfs the net reading porn all day.  
- Wastes time in chat rooms.  
- Checks out local dating sites  
- Discovers web site devoted to "that curly-haired son-of-a-bitch" and spams message board.

oOo

**VERY SHORT STORIES**

Klaus: I'm getting married.

Dorian: growl Who's the _lucky_ girl?

Klaus: G

Dorian: ...!

oOo

Klaus: Nice dress, G.

G: ...! Erm, thank you, Major.

Klaus: You think they'll have it in my size?

G+ Has immediate mental breakdown +

Klaus: heh, heh. That's him taken care of.

oOo

(For Esda)

Dorian: You're not even sweating in all this heat.

Klaus: Heat and cold are a matter of discipline.

+ Dorian leaves after snark attack +

Klaus: About bloody time! A, turn on the air conditioning. I'm dying here.

oOo

Klaus: That's your problem. You've wasted all your time on pretty boys who don't know any better.

Dorian: What's that supposed to mean?

Klaus: You're not that good.

oOo

(For Lisa)

Papa Eberbach: Klaus, I'm getting married. I'd like you to meet Lady Gloria.

Lady Gloria: Oh, I have a daughter your age...

Klaus: I'm gonna go kill myself now.

oOo

Dorian: Of course I'm telling the truth. Would I lie to you?

Klaus: In a heartbeat.

oOo

Klaus: I need a hug.

Dorian: Here, let me.

Klaus+ purrs +

oOo

By Avendasora

James: That was worth every penny, and I'd pay twice the price to do it all over again.

oOo

By The Reverand

Bonham: Pardon me, My Lord, but wouldn't it be a splendid day to visit the Major? I have missed him so!

oOo

Z (to the Major): Get it yourself.

oOo

Dorian: Really, Major, put your pants back on.

oOo

Klaus: Oh, snap.

oOo

Mischa: Phooey! Foiled again!

Comrade: Don't you mean, "Curses! Foiled again!"?

Mischa: Please, Comrade. This is kiddie show.

oOo

Comrade: Comrade Mischa, is Major you said you killed in previous episode!

Mischa: Look, it's his book. If he wants to be hard to kill, let him.

oOo

By Esther

Klaus: "I feel like wearing _pink_ today!"

oOo

Dorian: "Long hair is so unsightly. I prefer my hair cropped short."

oOo

James (to the Earl): "Of _course_ you should buy that pair of shoes. You can never have enough shoes ₤ 100 matter? Money is no object!"

oOo

Z (to the Major): "No."

oOo

By Camilla

Klaus: Oh Dorian, you look absoloutely fabulous in that dress.

oOo

Dorian: Please explain the difference between the Luger and Beretta pistols again. I _really_ want to know. Really.

oOo

Dorian: I am becoming a monk.

oOo

Dorian: What do you want for Christmas, darling?

Klaus: The newest James Bond video game would be fun.

oOo

Klaus: Z is doing _what_ to earn some extra money!

Dorian+ glee +

oOo

Z: I love you, Dorian.

oOo

Klaus: I've had these strange dreams recently...

Dorian: Oh? About what, darling?

Klaus: They involved handcuffs and a whip.

Dorian+ dies +

Klaus: ...Must be prophetic.

Dorian+ dies once again +

oOo


End file.
